"It is better to have a crust of bread, a little soup & some jazz, then much feasting with country music"

Why do bassists have a pair of drumsticks on their dashboard, so they can park in the handicap spaces!

A young child says to his mother, “Mom, when I grow-up I think I’d like to be a musician.” She replies, “Well honey, you know you can’t do both.”

Q: What do you call a guitar player with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: “The Defendant”

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What’s the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What’s the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What’s the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can’t move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How does a violist’s brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

Q: What’s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike? 
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of
range.

Q: What’s the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: “Music Minus One”

Q: What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are violist’s fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Tuba Player: “Did you hear my last recital?”
Friend: “I hope so.”

Q: What’s the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Relative minor: A guitarist’s girlfriend.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to
become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it
again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, “I’d like to do ‘My Funny Valentine’ tonight... but can you think of a way to ‘jazz’ it up?”

Keyboard player replies, “Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate
to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in ¾ time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!”

She claims, “that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!”

Keyboard player responds, “Well, that’s how you did it last night!”

Q: How can you tell when there's a lead singer at your door?
A: Because they don't have the key, and they don't know when to come in.

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?      
A: Homeless

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road and a trombone player driving down the road?
A: The frog is more likely on his way to a gig.

Q: Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What do you call a bagpiper (or insert instrument of choice) that choses not to play?
A: A gentleman

Q: How do you get to the Grand Ol Opry?
A: Sing through your nose.